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Smile of the Day!

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 13 March 2014 10:49:47

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says “they’re just making a puppy.” “OK” says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn’t probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents’ room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he’s in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him “Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?” Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says “me and mommy were making a baby.” His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies “flip mommy over, I want a puppy!”
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 14 March 2014 12:05:13

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 19 March 2014 16:56:21

AUSTIN POWERS PICK-UP LINES

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you
seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby Edelrid » Saturday, 22 March 2014 17:37:31

OK, I'll see if my first ever post to this site proves worthy........


Four older gentlemen are sitting together in a railroad car through the countryside. One of them speaks up first and says, "Since we'll be traveling a while we should have proper introductions: Robert F. H. Caruthers, Brigadier General - retired, Her Majesty's Army. Married, 2 sons, both physicians." He proceeds to boast about his sons, how they graduated at the top of their respective medical school classes and now have thriving private practices, big homes, etc.

The second man speaks up. "William. D. L. Fanshaw, Brigadier General - retired, Her Majesty's Army. Married, 2 sons, both barristers". Like the first, he then spends time boasting about his sons, how they graduated at the top of their respective law school classes, etc.

The third gentleman takes his turn: "Glad to meet you. Michael D. B. Heatherington, Brigadier General - retired, Her Majesty's Army. Married, 2 sons, both MP's.". He then regales the others with boasts of his sons' tremendous legislative accomplishments in Parliament.

That leaves the fourth gentleman: "The name's Angus McFarland, Sergeant-Major - retired, Black Watch. NEVER married, 2 sons, both brigadiers!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 27 March 2014 12:04:10

A woman had a Great Dane and a rather obese husband. Every afternoon she would curl up on the couch to watch TV, but the dog would always get on the couch with her, fall asleep, and snore obnoxiously. She talked to her friends about this, and one of them said her dog does the same thing. She learned that if you tie a string around his balls, he'll stop snoring.

So the next day, the woman looked for some spare string but could only find some blue ribbon. That afternoon she got on the couch, waited for the dog to fall asleep, and then tied a piece of blue ribbon around his scrotum. Like magic, he stopped snoring!

Late that night, her husband came home stinking of cigars and whiskey. He collapsed on the bed with his clothes still on and immediately began snoring like a hog. The woman was exhausted and annoyed, and she thought hey, if it worked on the dog... So she found a piece of ribbon, red this time, and unzipped his fly, tied it around his balls. And he stopped snoring! She zipped him back up and returned to sleep in peace.

The next morning, the dog woke up her husband to be let outside. But he had to pee, so they went to the toilet. Her husband unzipped and commenced urination. And he saw the red ribbon on his balls. Then he saw the blue ribbon on the dog's balls. He said, "Boy, I don't know what happened last night, but at least we came in first and second place!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 28 March 2014 19:40:16

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 31 March 2014 10:22:41

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:

'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models'

The old woman then asks:

'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick.... aaand rruns bbby bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She asks:

' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssonoooffabbittch offffff?
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 10 April 2014 11:46:36

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid


1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney’s clogged.
22. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky’s kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 10 April 2014 11:47:30

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 16 April 2014 14:54:34

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat,

she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 21 April 2014 08:44:39

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 21 April 2014 08:47:22

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden as as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.".

"Pet fish!

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'them swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'them home.".

"What a line of baloney.you're under arrest.".

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?

"Call who back?

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Saturday, 26 April 2014 10:08:32

John asked his wife what she wanted for Valentines Day.

She said "I'll give you a clue think Ex England goalie"



She thought she was getting Flowers but instead she got Seaman
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Saturday, 7 June 2014 15:31:13

Did you know that for most people, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only a whim away…
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 23 June 2014 10:21:02

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Canada they hung up because they couldn't understand the researcher's Indian accent.
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 1 July 2014 10:44:35

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what it is :???:
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 7 July 2014 10:34:30

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."...

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 22 July 2014 12:46:04

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 31 July 2014 11:03:25

A dog named DICK


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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 8 August 2014 09:12:20

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,
I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
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