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Smile of the Day!

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Saturday, 16 August 2014 11:40:04

Woman: if you were my husband I'd poison your coffee!

Man: if you were my wife I'd drink it!!!!!!


:-x
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 27 August 2014 12:23:19

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, " Congrats ".

But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 13 October 2014 10:40:05

A book store owned and operated by a 50 year old mother and her 18 year old daughter. This customer is a regular and always tipped the mother and daughter whenever he bought books. The mother and daughter had to always go up on a ladder to get the books he wanted.

One day the mother asked him "how come you tip me only a £1 and my daughter £5? The customer says "madam, a razor and soap only costs £1 and a nice panty costs £5."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 14 October 2014 13:58:39

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today are very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Sunday, 30 November 2014 10:42:39

Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.

Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."

Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Sunday, 7 December 2014 11:15:23

DUCK HUNTING DOG


Chester and Earl are going hunting....

Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any
ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not
going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl looks at Chester and skeptically says, "You're going to take the
dog's barks for the truth?"

Obviously Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only
two ducks out there!

Where did you get that dog"?

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts
humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog
is a fraud. All he wants to do is play 'fetch a stick!' I want my
money back!"

This concerned the breeder who asked Earl what the dog did.

So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The relieved breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to
tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a
stick at!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 22 December 2014 10:31:13

Three nuns are driving on CA route 1, enjoying the scenery when a tire blows and down the embankment they go to their eternal rest, all in one big crash...

They show up at the pearly gates, where St Peter sits with a big ledger. He motions the first nun forward, asks her name, adjusts his reading glasses, peers into the book and "hmmm... Sister MaryJane, it says here that you weren't always pure in church..." to which the sister interrupted "but St Peter, it was only once and Father Martin assured me a Hand Job would not count as a sin!".

Peter sighs and admits that she wasn't wholly responsible for her actions. He points her to a basin containing some clear water and instructs her to thoroughly wash the offending hand and proceed through the gates...

Having settled with the first, Peter motions to the second nun to come forward when the third nun pushes her aside and yells "me next!". Peter asks in a rather shocked voice what could possibly cause her to act this way. To which the third nun answers: "No way - I am not gargling with that water after she washes her ass in it"


:-| :-| :-| :-| :-|
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 8 January 2015 10:15:58

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 12 January 2015 08:35:06

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Sunday, 13 December 2015 11:18:23

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied:

"I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 17 December 2015 19:04:26

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 30 December 2015 17:10:59

One hot summer night in 1960, Steve had his first date with Susie.

He went to pick her up and her mom answered the door. She invited him in, and asked him what they planned to do on their date.

Steve replied that they’d probably see a movie then get a burger.

Susie’s mom said, “Well, Susie really likes to screw.”

Steve said, “Huh?”

Her mom said, “Yes, she loves it. She could probably screw all night.”

“Okay, thanks!” replied Steve, mentally rearranging his plans for the night.

A few minutes later Susie came downstairs and they left on their date.

About a half hour later Susie came running back in the house, her clothes disheveled, and yelled:

“Mom, it’s called the TWIST! The name of the goddamn dance is the TWIST!”
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 18 February 2016 10:34:31

Ding Dong
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 1 March 2016 12:05:26

A rich old man had two sons. Most of his riches were tied up in his land and his investments which could not be easily split in half. He felt that his heir needed to be clever in business so as not to squander his legacy. Inly one boy would inherit the fortune. He devised a contest and the winner would get it all.
He gave each boy a duck and bade them to go into town and make the most out of the duck and return to him at the end of the day and he would judge who was the winner.
His elder son grabbed his duck and ran right away to market and wheeled and dealed with the vendors till he got a great price for his duck. The younger son walked slower, and being less business minded dawdled a bit as he walked. He came upon a prostitute in the street who hailed him and asked if he wanted a go with her. He replied, "I have no money, just this duck"
She responded, thats OK, its a slow day, I'll take the duck in trade. They went upstairs and had some fun. Afterwards she was panting and said "whew! That was great! Wanna go again?" He replied that he still had no money and she had his duck. Thinking for a bit she said "screw it, I dont really want the ducks a slow day anyway and you were pretty good, here, take the duck back and lets do it again".
Afterwards he left and kept walking down the road to town when a big truck blasted past and scared the duck out of his arms. The duck flew and got sucked under the wheels of the truck and was squashed flat as a pancake! He sat down and cried. "There goes my inheritance!"
The truck screeched to a halt, the driver jumped out and said "Oh my God, your poor pet duck! Here! Take $50 to cover your loss!" Then he got back in the truck and left.
That evening, the older boy proudly told his father that he had made 15 dollars on his duck.
What did you get? He asked his younger son?
"Well Dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck"
Needless to say, we know who got the inheritance

:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 8 March 2016 09:17:18

A man has been sitting in the bar all night.... watching a beautiful woman in the tightest pants he has ever seen. A bit shy, hours pass and he finally gets the courage to approach her.

"Excuse me, but I have been unable to take my eyes off of you for the entire evening" he says.

She smiles.

"How do you get into those pants?" he asks.

The woman winks at him, smiles, and says "Well, you can start by buying me a drink."

:-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 31 March 2016 08:44:54

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT!


The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!! :shock: :D
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 8 April 2016 09:48:23

I've fallen head over heels in love with my dentist, Britney confided to her best friend I'm going to propose to him tonight. Her friends jaw dropped what the fuck she exclaimed astonished. Your beautiful young and you have dozens of guys who worship the ground you walk on. You could have anyone in the world whoever you wanted

What's so great about this dentist?

He's the only man who's ever told me to spit don't swallow. :roll:
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 24 August 2016 10:55:16

A little boy and a little girl ..

... Were trying to out-do each other. The boy said, "my dad is stronger than your dad"!
The girl said "well my mom is a better cook then your mom"!
This went back and forth for quite some some before the little boy ran out of things to say until finally he pulls down his pants and says, "well, I have one of these and you don't"!
The little girl thought for a moment, pulled her pants down and said, "well I have one of these! And with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want"!
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 15 September 2016 10:19:38

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 30 September 2016 04:03:11

So three senior gents were sitting around after getting together for breakfast. They began discussing life in general and one of them said "You know, getting old really sucks. I find it difficult to have a really good piss these days. It takes forever to empty my bladder." The second gent added " Well, I can emphasize. I seem to be always constipated and it's so difficult to have a good BM." The two then looked to their third breakfast partner and asked "Joe, how about you?" Joe, paused and then said. "Well, every morning around 6:00 AM, I have a real extensive peeing session, followed by really complete BM around 6:30 AM." Joe's partners looked at him and said "Joe, that's great, so what's the problem?" Joe replied "I don't wake up until 7:00 AM."
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