Smile of the Day!

[Escortbunny69]

Kirsty recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes

Home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio

Table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking

To him."You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the

Insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes

Then said,"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with

The insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the

Ashes she said,"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,

With the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,"Remember that

Blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

[chloe213]

A woman takes her parrot to the vet. The vet examines it carefully and says, "I am terribly sorry madam, but this parrot is dead."

The woman is distraught. She says "But I am sure he is just sleeping, he was fine yesterday, I'd like a second opinion please." The vet sighs, and calls through to reception. A labrador comes in, sniffs around the parrot, and says to the vet, "It's definitely dead."

The woman begins to cry and beg, "There must be something else, some test you can do, I love this parrot so much." The vet calls through to reception and a black cat walks in, jumps up on the table and sniffs around the parrot. It turns to the vet and says "Yes, there's no question, this parrot is dead", and leaves the room.

The woman realises there is nothing more that can be done and says to the vet "Well, I suppose that's final then. How much do I owe you?"

"£200 please" says the vet.

"£200? £200?.....just to tell me it's dead?" shrieks the woman.

"Well," says the vet, "what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all mounts up I'm afraid."

Brill-freaking-iant!

[velya]

A group of nuns are re-decorating a room in their convent. To avoid getting paint on their habits, they decide to strip off. They are happily painting in the nude, when there is a knock at the door. Naturally they are very concerned! They call out, "Who is it?" The reply comes, "It's the blind man!". The nuns say, oh, he can't see anything anyway, might as well let him in! The man comes in, looks around and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"

Soooo funny

[Escortbunny69]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel..'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

[emilyb]

Thanks for the smile bunny

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

EmilyB

http://www.emilybpromotions.com for expert escort website promotion

[Escortbunny69]

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.

The Clerk pulled up the file and read: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Manchester."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?". She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

[Escortbunny69]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one grandpa; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"£10. A pill," Answered the grandson.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the grandson found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was £10, not £110.

"I know," said Grandpa.

"The Hundred is from Grandma!"

[Escortbunny69]

An incredibly beautiful lady decided to give herself a big treat for her birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £600.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £600 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that £600 is the 'new rate for this week-end, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response; “They are here, and you could have,"

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only £200." "That's correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me last night," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[emilyb]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

EmilyB

http://www.emilybpromotions.com for expert escort website promotion

[emilyb]

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"

EmilyB

http://www.emilybpromotions.com for expert escort website promotion

[HamiltonsEscorts]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins.'

[emilyb]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

EmilyB

http://www.emilybpromotions.com for expert escort website promotion

[HamiltonsEscorts]

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny
Hungry
Thirsty
Sleepy

[HamiltonsEscorts]

Reminds me of the joke with the plumber who came to a door and rang the bell. Door was not answered, but a voice from inside said:

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix a leak."

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix a leak."

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix

And so on, until the plumber collapsed. The owner of the house came back and tripped over the plumber and said, Who is it?"

From inside the house, the parrot said:

"It's the plumber and I've come to fix a leak."

[HamiltonsEscorts]

A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered three
choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick the cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil that this was more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said "Are you sure? It lasts for 1000 years!" The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now. I've found your replacement!"

[emilyb]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

EmilyB

http://www.emilybpromotions.com for expert escort website promotion

[HamiltonsEscorts]

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Have a lovely day
xxxx

Hamiltons Escorts Agency

[slartybartfast]

Are you insured for sex - if not please consult list below

....
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Hamiltons Escorts Agency

Brilliant, just brilliant! Quite made my day. Thank-you!

[HamiltonsEscorts]

Glad it made you chuckle
Have a lovely day lots of hugs

xxx



Hamiltons London Escorts Agency

http://www.hamiltonsescorts.com/

[HamiltonsEscorts]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his
Assistant/
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
' So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.'The first one had a headache
so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue,
she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a MAN!''

Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'