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Smile of the Day!

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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 25 November 2013 12:57:30

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.


As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.



One saidto the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked



'What's tha sellin' ere?'


One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'


Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said,



'Tha's doing well ...Only two left!'
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby emilyb » Thursday, 28 November 2013 17:04:37

Doctor: So, how can i help you?

Guy: Doc, I have no idea what's going on, but it seems my penis is turning orange. You've got to help me out.

Doctor: Hmm, let's see...start from the beginning. What are your hobbies?

Guy: Eating BBQ crisps and watching porn.

EmilyB Promotions
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Monday, 2 December 2013 13:38:33

First Christmas Joke of the season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season”, Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It's a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates”, Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They're bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The Irishman replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Season Begins ...
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 5 December 2013 13:29:46

So there is this farmer out in the country and he has 3 daughters.

One Friday night a young man walks up to the house, knocks on the door.
Farmer goes to answer the door with Shotgun in hand. He opens the door.

The young man says "Hello sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here to pick up Betty and I'm taking her to eat Spaghetti." Farmer says "wait in your car, I'll send her out".

A little later another young man knocks on the door, Farmer answers the door holding his shotgun.

The young man says "Hello sir, my name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo and I'm taking her to see a show." Farmer says "wait in your car, I'll send her out."

A little later another young man knocks on the door, Farmer answers the door holding his shotgun.

The young man says "Hello sir, my name is Chuck" and the farmer shoots his ass!
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby 00escorts » Thursday, 12 December 2013 19:05:08

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 9 January 2014 12:24:49

Onions and Christmas Trees



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to
40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are
like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 14 January 2014 10:10:40

Miss Daisy, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Saturday, 1 February 2014 11:37:41

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" ...The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby sofialondon » Monday, 3 February 2014 16:22:57

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 4 February 2014 13:04:25

Bill and his wife June retire, but they didn't do the best job of retirement planning, and also have some unexpected expenses. Soon, they're reduced to eating beans and rice, macaroni, or Ramen for most meals.

June, tired of this crappy diet, says to Bill, "Honey, I've decided I'm going to try to make us some money with my body. But I need your help."

Somewhat taken aback, Bill says, "What exactly do you mean, with your body? Are you going to model?"

Patting him on the cheek, June smiles and says, "That's very sweet, dear, but I don't think I can make any money by having people just *look* at me. I think it's going to be a bit more intimate than that!"

Bill is initially totally against the plan, but June is very persuasive, and soon they're driving downtown to see about finding some clients.

Bill parks the car in an alley, and tells June, "You just go stand on the corner and show off those legs. You'll have them lining up in no time. If you have any questions, just run back here and we'll figure out what to do."

So June stands on the corner, and soon enough, a guy pulls over in a car, and asks June, "How much?"

June, totally unprepared, says, "Hold on just a minute." She runs back to the alley, leans in Bill's window, and says, "A guy stopped, but he wants to know how much?"

Bill says, "Tell him $100 for sex."

So June runs back, and tells the guy "$100 for sex."

Guy says, "I only have $35, though. What can you do for that?"

June again says, "Hold on just a minute." She runs back and tells Bill.

Bill says, "For $35, tell him he can have a hand job."

So June runs back and tells him. He agrees, she gets in the car, and the guy pulls into a parking place just down from the alley.

He whips it out, and it's the biggest, longest tool June's ever seen! She grew up on a farm, and she's thinking this should be on a horse, not a man!

Breathless, June says, "Hold on just a minute." She runs back to the alley, leans in the window, and says to Bill, "Honey, can you loan this guy $65?"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 11 February 2014 12:24:45

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

'Best come-back line ever.'
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Saturday, 15 February 2014 10:30:26

Sister Mary joins a convent where the Sisters take a vow of silence.

After five years of being effectively mute, Mother Superior calls Sister Mary to her office. She says, "Sister Mary, you've been with us for five years today. At this time, you are allowed 2 words.

Sister Mary, obviously thinking it over carefully, opens and closes her mouth several times as she contemplates what to say. Finally, she says, "Cold food."

Mother Superior dismisses her, and so it goes.

Five years later, Mother Superior again calls Sister Mary to her office, and says, "Sister Mary, you've now been with us for ten years, and at this time, you're allowed two words."

Sister Mary, who had obviously been anticipating this, after just a little hesitation, comes out with, "Hard bed."

Mother Superior dismisses her, and so it goes.

Another five years go by. On the anniversary of her fifteenth year in the order, Mother Superior calls Sister Mary to her office. Sister Mary looks ready to say something. As soon as Mother Superior tells her that she's allowed two words, Sister Mary blurts out, "I quit!"

Mother Superior says, "Well, it's probably for the best. All you've done since you've been here is bitch."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 19 February 2014 11:55:37

Two boys were walking down the street and noticed a male dog licking his own dick. One boy said to the other:" Man, I wish I could do that." The other boy said " you probably can but you might have to pet him some first."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 20 February 2014 12:40:35

A whole new meaning self service



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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 20 February 2014 20:54:14

Two older widowed people were considering getting married. As they were sitting down discussing what each liked to assure they were compatible the gent says:

"So, what about sex, do you like it?"

And the woman answers:

"Yes, I do, but infrequently."
The guy, not sure he had heard correctly, leans over to the woman and says:
"Is that two words.. or one?"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Friday, 21 February 2014 10:04:16

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"



The woman nodded, "Pepper."
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Wednesday, 26 February 2014 12:32:26

Tea Bagging

Make sure your awake ladies LOL


http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Sunday, 2 March 2014 12:13:30

A Scottish couple took in an18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the
house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub
for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched
the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned
this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little
early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl."I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her
nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the
wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said,
"but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've
seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Tuesday, 4 March 2014 12:27:29

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.



She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight"



I said, "WOW!"



Then her friend said, "She means 6663629"
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Re: Smile of the Day!

Postby HamiltonsEscorts » Thursday, 6 March 2014 11:05:30

Dear Friend,



Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED!

One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer!




Thank you for your interest
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