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Part 3 A date with destiny

Ok, so now I'm in my late teens and still a virgin and I don't really know why. Escorts are the obvious answer - but as far as I am concerned these are a work of fiction dreamed up by Jackie Collins and existing only in Hollywood fantasies. The internet has not been invented. Street girls seem impossibly sleazy. I need more knowledge - so the first step is pornography and with a little help with my monkey called "spank" I trawl through enormous quantities of so-called hard core porn in the hope of discovering exactly what missionary position is and does it involve being boiled by natives. During my several years research I discover that my first girlfriend probably had "vaginismus" - i.e. involuntary contraction of the vagina muscles preventing penetration. I am now 22, still a virgin, but remarkably knowledgable about something I have never tried!

At this point in my life I am absolutely gagging for a shag and it is probably showing in my face. Its the dribbling that gives it away. Girls don't seem to like that look you give them when you are desparate for it - you know the one, like a wolf waiting for its chance to pounce on a plate of meat. Consequently, although I have a few girlfriends over the next few years, they are all a bit peculiar and the relationships never actually progress as far as sex. They are more like free counselling. This situation drags on until my late twenties. I have given up on women totally as beer is more reliable and doesn't expect you to listen to its history of bad relationships. Hence I have lost that "desparate for a shag" look and suddenly, accidentally, I am attractive to the opposite sex again. I meet the girl that is to become my wife. She is mental. I am randy. We make love. It is awesome. It is the best sex that anyone has ever had in the history of mankind....

...but more of that tomorrow.

 



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