I'm a bit pissed right now so this could turn out to be more entertaining than usual (for me at least).
After shagging my Brazilian favourite and practically falling head over heels for her like some love-struck teenager (God she's good) I decided the best thing to do was to take the advice of seasoned punters and shag someone else instead. You see its not a good idea to fall for an escort especially when you are married - could turn out to be an expensive mistake and then some. So I went back to plan B: try out all the perverse sexual fantasies you have ever had in one go, porn-star style. As luck would have it (so I thought) the right lady for just such a venture was based in Earls Court. So I sneaked down to the car as it sat down in the garage and furtively made a call to book an appointment.
Earls Court, it must be said, is a rather depressing place in the middle of winter when there is nothing going on at Olympia. As you leave the underground station there are two large posters warning of the dangers of HIV as if Tony Blair himself were there pointing his finger and saying "I know what you are up to you dirty bugger, and if you can't be good for Gods sake be careful!".
The lady, being organisationally challenged, was not ready for my appearance so kept me waiting in the cold for 30 mins or so. After staggering around in the icy cold trying to avoid the attention of passing policemen and being only briefly amused by an upper middle class lady giving her wayward teenage son a good ticking off I got a call telling me that my pornstar experience (PSE) was ready.
I turned up at her apartment and she opened the door. A lady old enough to be one of my mothers best friends appeared. The lady was as attractive to me as my mums pet mongrel. She had obviously been trained at the Hattie Jaques school of erotic dance. She took firm hold of her enormous boobs and pummelled them as if considering whether they were sufficiently ripe for a prize melon contest. "What do you think of my boobs?" she said in a way that indicated that she really believed them to be prize melons "Well they are very big. Did it take a long time to grow them?" I said. she seemed less than amused by my humour as if she had realised that piss-taking was the only way I was going to enjoy the rest of the next hour. Certainly I had come to that conclusion. Enjoyable sex was out of the question - clearly I would have a better time working out how to shag my own backside.
We got down to what is commonly described is sex but what is best described as a game of "hide the policemans truncheon". I decided to hide it as quickly as possible whilst the lady proceeded to describe me as a "Naughty Boy" over and over in an inane manner so that she was rapidly driving me nuts. After a quick shafting I thought that the best finale would be to shoot my weeks worth of semen over her body and face as per the usual porn movie "champagne shot". I took aim, fired - and a congealed mass of sperm oozed out of my penis and settled into her belly button where it sat like so much unwanted semolina pudding (but without the raspberry jam on top). It wasn't quite what I had anticipated and after what had amounted to a kind of watered down "lust" for want of a better descriuption it was a bit of an anti-climax. There is something distinctly clinical and unpleasant about cleaning up your own spunk with wet-wipes that really puts PSE in perspective.
We had a good 45 minutes to go but I didn't know if I could face it. We got down to some snogging (I kept my eyes tightly shut) and I fumbled about with my fingers in her pussy. Weird. There was something in there. Something spongy and unnatural. Something I had never felt before inside a woman’s pussy. Something grotesque and frightening. Was it some kind of cancerous growth? No - nothing so sinister. It was a vaginal sponge soaked in spermicide. She had briefly mentioned it on the way to the bathroom but I hadn't paid much attention as the continuous repetition of "Oh you naughty boy!" had forced me to switch off from listening.
I decided to withdraw my fingers from her pussy and shove them up her backside instead. Strangely it offered no resistance. Meanwhile she licked my bum-hole. Now rimming strikes me as a very good way to get Hepatitis so I would have preferred it if I had known she had included this in her menu so I could go elsewhere - but it was too late now! I wanted (if that's the right word) to try anal - purely for scientific reasons but by now I was getting so revolted I couldn't get an erection.
Next installment: How to lay laminate flooring. No sorry. it should be "A bizarre pornstar experience continued". Fuck it I'm pissed.